Government Structures

FEUDALISM:

You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.

FASCISM:

You had two cows. The government took both, hires you to take
care of them, and sells you the milk.

PURE COMMUNISM:

You have two cows. Your neighbours help you take care of
them, and you all share the milk.

APPLIED COMMUNISM:

You have two cows. You take care of them, but
the government takes all the milk.

MILITARISM:

The government takes both of your cows and drafts you.

DICTATORSHIP:

The government takes both of your cows and shoots
you. The president’s wife turns your cows into thousands of pairs of
shoes.

TINPOT DEMOCRACY:

The government takes both of your cows, shoots you and then sends the cows to Zurich.

PURE DEMOCRACY:

You have two cows. Your neighbours decide who gets the milk.

REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY:

You have two cows. Your neighbours pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.

SINGAPOREAN DEMOCRACY:

You have two cows. The government fines you for keeping two unlicensed farm animals in an apartment.

AMERICAN DEMOCRACY:

The government promises to give you two cows if you vote for it.
After the election, the President is impeached for speculating in cow futures. The press dubs the affair "Cowgate". The cows sue you for breach of contract.

OR

You have two cows.
The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from your government.

BUSH DEMOCRACY:

The son of the last President promises to protect you and your two cows under an impenetrable "missile shield" if you vote for him. You vote for his rival but a judge decides your vote is invalid and he wins anyway. The economy grinds to a halt, your pastures are turned over to oil exploration companies, and both of your cows, formerly valued at millions on the NASDAQ, are sold by your investors to re-coup their tech-stock losses. The Military-Industrial complex still receives billions in corporate welfare to develop cow-based defences ("fetchez la vache") that don't work but antagonise your neighbours.

BRITISH DEMOCRACY:

You have two cows. You feed them sheep's brains and they go mad. The government does not do anything.

EUROPEAN DEMOCRACY:

You have two cows. At first, the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. After that it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.

TOTALITARIANISM:

You have two cows. The government takes them and denies they ever existed. Milk is banned.

TALIBAN:

You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two.
You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's private parts.
At night when no one is looking, you have sex with both of them.
Then you kill them and claim a US bomb blew them up while they were in the hospital.

Economic Structures

You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.

AMERICAN CAPITALISM:

You have two cows.
The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, and then pours the milk down the drain.

APPLIED CAPITALISM:

You ship both of your cows to the developing world and pay peanuts to have them milked there by children. You then ship the milk back to your own country and pay expensive PR companies millions to create a happy smiley image for your McCorporation and do very, very well.

COLOMBIAN CAPTIALISM:

You cannot afford two cows.  Your Patron cannot visit his cows because the guerillas will kidnap him.  He pays you peanuts to take care of his cows, so you steal most of the milk and learn to grow coca plants.  By the time you can afford two cows you cannot visit them because you will be kidnapped by the US Marshal.  You pay someone peanuts who takes care of your cows and steals most of the milk.

HONG KONG CAPITALISM:

You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly-listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax deduction for keeping five cows. The milk rights of six cows are transferred via a Panamanian intermediary to a Cayman Islands company secretly owned by the majority shareholder, who sells the right to all seven cows' milk back to the listed company. The annual report says that the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Meanwhile, you kill the two cows because of bad feng shui.

Political Ideologies

DEMOCRAT:

You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
You feel guilty for being successful.
You vote people into office that put a tax on your cows, forcing you to sell one to raise money to pay the tax. The people you voted for then take the tax money, buy a cow and give it to your neighbor.
You feel righteous.
Barbra Streisand sings a song for you.

SOCIALIST:

You have two cows.
The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.

REPUBLICAN:

You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
So?

COMMUNIST:

You have two cows.
The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
You wait in line for hours to get it.
It is expensive and sour.

POLITICAL CORRECTNESS:

You are engaged in a mutually consensual symbiotic association with two differently aged (but equally worthwhile) bovines of non-specific gender.  You drink soy.

Wow, dude, there's like...these two cows, man. You have *got* to have some of this milk.

SURREALISM:

You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

Corporate Structures

AMERICAN CORPORATION:

You have two cows.
You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one.
You force the 2 cows to produce the milk of four cows.
You are surprised when one cow drops dead.
You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses.
Your stock goes up.

ENRON CORPORATION:

You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows.
No balance sheet provided with the release.
Wall Street buys your bull.

FRENCH CORPORATION:

You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.
You go to lunch.
Life is good.

JAPANESE CORPORATION:

You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains.
Most are at the top of their class at cow school.

GERMAN CORPORATION:

You have two cows.

You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour.
Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.

A BRITISH CORPORATION:

You have two cows. Both are mad.

ITALIAN CORPORATION:

You have two cows but you don't know where they are.
While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman.
You break for lunch.
Life is good.

A HINDU CORPORATION:

You have two cows. You worship them.

RUSSIAN CORPORATION:

You have two cows.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You have some more vodka.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
You count them again and learn you have 12 cows.
You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.
You produce your 10th, 5-year plan in the last 3 months.
The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.

POLISH CORPORATION:

You have two bulls.
Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.

BELGIAN CORPORATION:

You have one cow.
The cow is schizophrenic.
Sometimes the cow thinks he's French, other times he's Flemish.
The Flemish cow won't share with the French cow.
The French cow wants control of the Flemish cow's milk.
The cow asks permission to be cut in half.
The cow dies happy.

FLORIDA CORPORATION:

You have a black cow and a brown cow.
Everyone votes for the best looking one.
Some of the people who like the brown one best, vote for the black one.
Some people vote for both.
Some people vote for neither.
Some people can't figure out how to vote at all.
Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which is the best-looking one.

CALIFORNIA CORPORATION:

You have millions of cows.
They make real California cheese.
Only five speak English.
Most are illegal.
Arnold likes the ones with the big udders

Keeping Cows Safe From Terrorism